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Dear Molly

January 28, 2012

Dear Molly,
I’m 34 years old and have two children 3 and 7. I’ve been divorced for a year and still have a lot of resentment towards my ex and how things ended. He cheated on me, tried to deny everything when I knew who she was and I was the last to know. I’ve caught them together around town and had to even stop him allowing her around our kids. He denies everything and said she was just helping out with sitting and meals. I don’t believe him for one moment.
Here’s the problem, I love him. He’s the father of my children and we have been together for nine years. I could not get past the affair and mainly because he has never admitted to it. How can we work on whatever the problem is when he can’t admit he had and is still having a relationship with this girl?
I have to tell you we are still seeing each other intimately. This is why I’m so confused. We make love like nothing is wrong, then he leaves and I know he is with her. I drive by his new apartment sometimes and see her car. But yet he tells me he loves me and nothing is going on with her. I can’t seem to bring myself to really make the break. What do I do?
Dear what do I do,
The first thing you must do is ask yourself if lying and betrayal are traits you want in your personal relationship. I’m sure the answer is no, as no one would consciously want that. So the only way to remove this from your life is to believe what your head tells you and deny your heart the right to manage your behavior. Your heart is appealing to the memories, the fantasy of what was and the dream of what could be. Your head knows the truth and this is what you should listen too.
It seems to me that this guy has the better of two worlds; he hasn’t completely destroyed his family because his ex is behaving as though she forgives him on some level, and a girlfriend who is satisfying some other needs. Some men would say he’s a lucky guy!
I’m all for working things out. However it takes two people to do that, and you’ve already said he continues to deny any wrong doing. I don’t see this working, and frankly I can’t imagine if you’re honest with yourself this feels like progress.
I think you both need to walk away and go through the pain. You will be a better person for it, and hopefully stronger. In order to see what is going on here in my opinion you must be able to look from the outside in and to do this it will require objectivity. The only way to get there is to heal. So what I’m saying is to heal first, then look at it. You never know, perhaps if he loses the contact with you he may decide to own everything and get help. But if he doesn’t you will have a new set of eyes from which to move forward in your life.
I’ve learned that your “gut” is your head trying to get through…listen.
~Molly
Readers, why is the ex husband holding on? How can she deny her heart and listen to her head?

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