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Finding my smile again...

April 29, 2011

It’s going to be hard, it’s going to be painful, but it has to happen.
I went away trying to find an escape and instead I found so much more.
I found an experience that opened my eyes and tugged at my heart.
I realized that even though the pain that I’m dealing with seems like more than I can handle, there are more difficult situations in this world.
There are people dealing with heartbreak, people dealing with loss, people dealing with worry and the journey of finding themselves.
There’s going to pain and nobody tells us to ignore it or pretend that it doesn’t exist because even those that are happy understand that pain is inevitable in this world.
As horrible and dreadful as it may be it is part of what keeps this world in balance.
It’s not about ignoring the bad or pretending the bad doesn’t exist or even about finding a way of making it not exist, it’s about seeing the bad, but being able to view it from a different perspective.
For me it was about seeing things through a child’s eyes, from the back seat of a motorcyle and from a place of simple escape.
I started the day out looking to find happiness, to find my smile again; even if only for a moment.
I knew that at the end of the day I would still have my broken heart, this lonely feeling and sense of sadness that I started with, but I also knew that somewhere out there my smile was waiting to be found.
I know they say running away isn’t the answer.
You can’t run from your problems and you can’t ignore them, just as much as you can’t dwell on them.
However, I had to run, I had to try and I had to search in the only way I could think of.
I found myself back in a place that I knew, with a group of people that I didn’t really know. A group of people that I thought I understood, but it wasn’t until I saw what’s underneath that I truly understood.
I spent the day with a group of people that most would overlook, look down upon, or simply toss to the side. It was those people and their caring hearts and care- free characters that helped me find my smile.
They each have their own story, their own lives and I’m sure their own pains, but instead of caring only about themselves they devote their time to showing those that don’t have a voice that someone cares.
They showed me that it’s the little things that make all the difference. It’s the small gestures to those that think society has forgotten them that can bring a smile to a child’s face and security to an insecure life.
It’s about being able to take off and throw your worries away, even if only for an hour or two. It’s about finding that place that allows you to be you.
I never imagined that the day would turn out like it did. I wasn’t even sure if my goal could be accomplished, if it was even possible to find what I was looking for.
Somehow, it was and I did.
A helping gesture, some rowdy and sometimes sketchy conversation and a bike ride later, I found myself smiling.
It wasn’t the smile I knew before, but it was a smile that let me know despite the moment I’m in right now, there is a silver lining and there is hope ahead.
I’m not sure how long it will take or even if the pain will ever be fully gone, but thanks to a friend and the opportunity to escape, vent and the encouragement to let go I am certain that somehow, someday, I will be okay.
It’s amazing how when friends see us hurting it’s easy to say that it was for the best or that it will be okay and that you’re better off, but those words aren’t comfort.
In all honesty, in those moments no words are going to provide comfort.
However, knowing that someone else has been in your shoes, knowing that someone else has survived the situation that you are in, gives a little hope. It gives a little boost to the faith and the courage to continue to put one foot in front of the other.
The truth is evn though it may be okay eventualy and that there may come a time that I look back on all of this and realize that life worked out the way it should, that’s not what will get me through this. It’s not what will help me get up every day and continue to go on.
It’s knowing that it’s going to take time.
Nobody can tell me how long and nobody can tell me how that journey will go, but in time, maybe a long time maybe a short time, but in time, the pain will lessen. There’s no guarantee that it will ever disappear, that the scars it causes will ever be erased or the damage it does will ever be repaired, but there is the guarantee that life, the world, will continue to go on.
It’s knowing that no matter how sad I feel, how much pain I have; I have to find a way to get up every morning, make myself get ready and act like I am enjoying life.
It’s about knowing that even when I want to give up, I can’t. It’s knowing that it’s okay to cry and nobody can tell me when those tears will stop.
Nobody can tell me when the memories will fade away, when the hurt will subside or even if I will ever have the opportunity that I want again. It’s knowing that there are no answers.
At the end of the day, It’s about crying when you have to, doing what you must and knowing that if even only for a moment, your smile can be found.

Contact staff writer Amanda Moreno at 432-263-7331 or by email at life@bigspringherald.com.

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